Brad Wilcox thinks many of society’s problems would be lessened by couples getting married and having children — and working at making their marriages strong and healthy.
Wilcox is a professor of sociology at the University of Virginia and director of the National Marriage Project, a nonpartisan and nonsectarian initiative that researches marriage in America.
He spoke with Meagan Gillmore about his latest book, Get Married: Why Americans Must Defy the Elites, Forge Strong Families, and Save Civilization.
MG: You criticize both the left and right for some of their claims about marriage today. What would you say are the misconceptions both sides project about marriage and what has your research found?
BW: A lot of left-leaning journalists, professors and public intellectuals are basically saying to women that … making marriage and motherhood a focus of your life is going to leave you economically vulnerable, and is likely to make you unhappy given all the sacrifices that marriage and motherhood require.
Then, from the right … is this idea that marriage is a bad deal for men … They think that most marriages end in divorce, with men being unwillingly divorced and losing access to a big share of their income, assets, especially children.
[In fact], for the average man and woman, you’re much better off financially in terms of your household income, your odds of poverty, your median assets [if you’re married].
When it comes to happiness, married fathers are [more] likely to be very happy with their lives compared to single and childless fathers … On two key outcomes, financial and emotional, there’s just no question: the average married mom, average married dad, are doing better than their single and childless peers.
MG: What were some of the predominant personal traits you found among couples that led to stronger marriages?
BW: One of them is cultivating a spirit of communion in your marriage, both by doing things like regular date nights, but also trying to approach your marriage through the prism of a we-before-me mentality, rather than a me-first mentality. Couples who share joint accounts rather than keep separate accounts financially are happier in their marriages and less divorce-prone than couples who have his and hers accounts.
The second point is that couples who understand that their marriage matters for their kids are less likely to [be] divorce-prone.
The third basic idea is that commitment really matters … Every couple struggles, but if you exclude divorce from your conversation and thinking, you are more likely to navigate those struggles successfully.
The fourth thing is cash. Couples [with] more shared assets, with a home together, are more likely to be happily married.
It is really more about the husband’s full-time employment, especially when they’ve got kids in the household. I didn’t really find a strong relationship between whether the mom or the wife is working in or outside the home in terms of marital quality and marital stability. But I did find, both in my research and other research, that when the husband is not employed full-time, married moms are less happy.
The final piece is community. Couples who are embedded in communities that tend to reinforce values and virtues that are good for marriages are more likely to be flourishing. … Religious couples are more happily married. They have more sex today than secular couples. … If you are surrounded by other people who tend to take marriage seriously, you are more likely to be supported when times are tough in your marriage.
MG: It may sound like you’re advocating for us to go back to the 1950s, where women stay home and raise kids while husbands work. But that’s not what you’re advocating for in the book. What is the vision of masculinity that you’re advancing?
BW: It is kind of a neo-traditional combination that is associated, on average, with women being happy in marriage. Where the guys are more masculine, in terms of being stronger and more protective and … are breadwinners. But “neo” in the sense that there is a clear expectation that they are emotionally engaged and are engaged fathers.
When it comes to housework, that really depends on the ideological commitment of the wife. Progressive women are looking for the husband to do about half the housework. More right-leaning women, that’s not a concern, so long as he is doing well [with] … work and with the kids. But fairness is important for all wives.
MG: Are there ways that non-religious people can get some of the benefits that religion provides for marriage?
BW: I have friends who are not religious and not conservative but are clearly living what I call family-first ways of life. … They do not have a specifically religious community, but they have other friends who are clearly living more marriage- and family-centered lifestyles. I think be attentive to the ways in which your friends — married or single — lend implicit or explicit support to your marriage and family.
MG: What are some of your concerns with large government-run daycare programs?
BW: In many immigrant communities, there is a preference for kin taking care of young children, not for a daycare worker. The problem is that these public policies are privileging one model of caring for young kids — institutional care – that is really not valued or honoured in many of the subcultures across Canada and the United States. I think a more pluralistic approach would be giving money to people to spend on how they want to care for their kids.
MG: Obviously, not everybody is going to get married or is able to get married. For singles who read this book and [may be thinking], ‘Well, I don’t want to have a totally unhappy life, but I can’t just marry anyone’ — are there any principles that could be applicable to their situation?
BW: We are social animals. If we’re single, I think being a part, for instance, of a religious community is one way to find meaning and friendship in ways that don’t require a spouse.
If you think you are called to marry, make sure that you have a limited set of criteria. I think some women today are looking for a guy who is college educated as part of their criteria. That is going to be hard, just because there are more women who are college-educated now than men. You need to pick the factors that really are essential for you when it comes to finding a spouse rather than the ideal, but not necessary.
MG: Anything else you want to say?
BW: Our culture tends to often advocate for a me-first mentality to life. … Being more generous, first in your family life, and also in your religious or [other] communities, that [has] benefits. That explains why, in important areas of your life, married people are happier today than their peers who are not married. You can take that principle to your workplace, to your church community, in all those areas.
This interview was condensed and edited for length and clarity.
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